This week, I had planned to share news about our second baby, which was due in November. But instead, I’m writing about my miscarriage. I debated sharing my experience because I’m typically a private person, but the more I thought about it, the more I knew that there are other women like me who are suffering from the same loss and could benefit from hearing my story. It can be very isolating, especially during this time of quarantine. And most of the time, no one talks about their miscarriage until after the fact, which can make you feel even more alone in the moment. If you’ve ever had a miscarriage, are going through one, or praying for a baby, I just want you to know that you’re not alone.
In early April, I was around 8 weeks pregnant and went to the doctor with troubling symptoms. After an ultrasound, I was told there was no heartbeat and they could not find an embryo (basically it was just an empty yolk sac). I was stunned with disbelief. How could this be happening? Since my husband could not be in the doctor’s office with me due to COVID19 precautions, I had to receive this terrible news alone and then drive myself home. The experience was awful, to say the least.
Even though it happens much more often than we think, I never imagined I’d have a pregnancy that ends in a “1 in 4” miscarriage statistic. My first pregnancy was easy and Lila was perfectly healthy, so I just assumed all would be fine again. This time after finding out, I immediately started buying maternity clothes and cute Mama/Big Sister tees for Lila and I to wear for our announcement. But now this is my announcement. And it really hurts.
I read something recently about miscarriage from @bigfiercelovejuju, who I follow on Instagram (and who you absolutely need to follow if you’re a woman) that really resonated with me. Once we’ve lost a baby, no matter how many times we tell ourselves we “won’t get our hopes up next time” or accept that a pregnancy is “real” until we hear the first heartbeat, the truth is we are attached from the moment we see that positive sign on a pregnancy test. It’s natural and it’s what makes us mothers – and we shouldn’t fight that feeling. All we can do is try to stay positive for the future and allow time to help heal our pain. I am incredibly sad, but so thankful to have a supportive husband by my side and our beautiful, healthy daughter who has been a ray of sunshine through all of this.
A few days after receiving our sad news, we witnessed the most incredible full rainbow arching over our field. I truly believe God was sending us a sign not to lose hope. He has the best plan for our family and even when it’s hard, we have to trust in His perfect timing. So from this moment, I’m choosing faith over fear, and hoping soon we’ll be able to share joyful news about our rainbow baby. ❤️🌈
